American Dreams

WHAT is it about this song that reminds me of my youth?
It's not just the lyrics, but the intonation and inflection that brings me back to innocent and carefree summer days.

Runnin Down a Dream...

I've been listening to a lot of Tom Petty lately. I'm not sure why, but the songs seem to have a hopeful sound. Kind of like Spring on the way, with the days getting longer. More sunshine to be had by all.

Again, I write this while visiting Seattle for another doctor appointment. It's a crisp and sunny 55 degrees here.

The new year has flown by; we are now only 6 months to mine and Kelly's wedding. We are slowly getting the details of the day worked out, and I don't feel too nervous yet.

My work has been going well and I've been able to keep pretty busy with Osmose and my occasional Clinique gig.
I'm reminded almost every day how lucky I am to be working in my field of study, Interior Design, especially because my technical skills (cad & 3D modeling) are still beginner-ish level, and seemingly far behind many of the recent graduates out there looking for work. The curriculum at my school focused heavily on doing everything by hand, and while I am grateful that I can sketch and draft by hand, it's not widely used in today's market, and is considered "old school".
 I've been trying to compensate for that by using my most amazing people and management skills, I guess. It's been a daily challenge adjusting to the reality that I don't know very much at all, I don't know the "shortcuts" in certain programs...and I wonder how someone learns these. You can't know what you haven't learned or practiced yet, so accepting that is always a challenge for me. I'd really like to know everything already :)
It's sort of an emotional thing too, because I want so much to be considered capable in these areas. All I can do is keep trying to do my best. Hopefully with the better weather coming, I will have more energy and focus to learn some more things independently.

Planning the wedding, getting our masks and set (for the play) made will take some time, and the event is always in the back of my mind. I am so looking forward to it, yet I think I'll feel relieved once it's over, and I don't have that financial strain constantly on my mind. With Kelly working Mon-Thurs in Seattle and coming home on weekends, it's always a bit of an adjustment period, and there are so many things to do in the short amount of time.

A Year in the Life: A Reflection of Choices

Currently, I'm in Seattle, sitting in the Bauhaus coffee shop. I'm literally surrounded by university students, and I can't help but overhear bits of their conversations. One guy is talking about how he wants to move to Europe and open a coffee shop, and doesn't want to make too much money. A girl is talking to a guy next to her about how she really wants a family, but there are so many things she wants to do before having kids, but also, you know, you can't wait too long, or you might not be able to have them...or maybe I'll adopt, she says.  It's interesting these threads of conversations I hear, and the loose tapestry they weave. They are so young; their passionate minds are so open and eager!  It's amusing how much I can relate to the feelings expressed by both the girl and guy.

When I came back from Italy, there was nothing I wanted more than to move there and become a tour guide, learn the language, and continue uninterrupted my pursuit of La Dolce Vita.  In my reverie, moving to Italy seemed a real possibility, and I felt truly protective of my desire to anyone who questioned the practicality of my wish.

Fast forward 4 and-a-half years, and I find myself sitting in this coffee shop surrounded by students...I mean who else sits around drinking coffee with their friends at noon on a Tuesday? Well, plenty of people, you say...I, for one, am wasting time waiting for a doctor's appointment.

Which brings us somewhat up-to-date, skipping huge chunks of time and major life events, of course.

At the end of this August, after living 2 and-a-half years in Seattle, we made the decision to move back to Portland.
I began to work for a design firm, Osmose, who I'd done a few projects with back in 2008-2009. Fortunately for me, they had several projects, and were looking for an Assistant Designer. I was able to start right away, and have been running (in a good way) since then.
For the first few weeks we were back, Kelly was able to get some contract work, mostly day-long videographer and editing gigs. Then things started to slow down...and then he heard from his former company that they were interested in hiring him back for another long-term contract position. Since the job is in Seattle, and we had just moved back to Portland, we knew this was a decision requiring some careful thought. We decided that he should go for it; I'd stay in Portland in our house, and he would come home on weekends. He was able to negotiate working 4 10-hour shifts, so that he has a 3-day weekend every week. While we would love for us to be both living and working in the same city, we decided that we are in the unique position to make this work for us. This way, we are both getting what we want.  I am so thankful to have a partner who is so supportive of my career, and so happy to be living in the city of my choice, near family and friends.

Last year around this time, I had come to a desperate breaking point with the furniture company I was working for. I was overworked and unappreciated; exhausted, and couldn't pay my bills with the measly wage they were paying their "designers".  As I was driving along Queen Anne Avenue yesterday, the weak sunlight fading fast, I remembered the intense relief I felt at having found a full-time nanny position right in my neighborhood, a 5-minute drive up the hill from my house, which meant I could leave the furniture company. I re-experienced the joy, the lightness in my chest that meant I would not have to suffer that mistake much longer, and that I had found a beautiful family that would really appreciate my help. It was the best decision I made last year (besides traveling to Ireland and Italy).

Having been away from Seattle (away from the traffic, mainly) for a few months, I feel like I can appreciate it again now, visiting. Driving around my old neighborhood yesterday, I felt sentimental towards the Whole Foods across the street, remembering the nights I would go in there after my 45-minute commute to buy dinner from the hot food bar.  It's funny the things that stick with us, huh?  I have to say that even though I loved the 2 apartments we lived in (converted 1898 Victorian house), I am so happy to be living in Portland again, in our old house too.

Working in my field again, doing wonderful, imaginative projects, with people I can respect and learn from has given me the similar chest-lightness-feeling-of-joy I described previously. It is the sort of feeling that makes you want to pinch yourself and ask "How did I get so lucky?", cross my fingers, and plead to the Universe to let me continue.

HappyThankyouMorePlease!

Something Sweet Inbetween

June is busting out all over. Lyrics to the musical, Carousel, yes..but so apropos. The month of June began with the family I'd been working for telling me they could no longer afford to have me be their nanny. Because they had asked me for a 1-year commitment when I was hired, this news came as a shock. Also the fact that they gave me 10 days notice. Overlapping this situation was an opportunity I'd heard about from an architect friend of mine for a Project Manager position with a prestigious custom lighting company. When I originally heard about the opportunity, I told my friend I couldn't pursue it because I had made the year-long commitment to the family. So, consequently, when I was laid off, I immediately called my friend to see if they we still looking for someone. I sent in my resume and writing samples that night, and was called early the next morning for an interview the following day. I went through 3 highly intense interviews over a period of 7 days. After the third interview, I knew intuitively that I was not going to get the position. I felt that their strategy for hiring someone involved intimidation and condescension to see who could hold up under the pressure. After being asked the same questions over and over, and hearing from that my answers were generic and too safe, I really felt like I didn't have a clue what they wanted to hear from me, and therefore not a chance of getting the job. They kept telling me that they wanted to "know me", yet were rude and off-putting. Everyone has their breaking point, and I certainly found mine. As disappointing as that was...and it really was, everyone I talked to said I probably didn't want to work with people like that anyway, and I guess they are right, but being rejected never feels good, nonetheless. Luckily, another family in the neighborhood needed some part-time help over the summer, so I've been able to keep working fairly consistently since then. I thought those were pretty significant changes all for one month, then Kelly came home 2 weeks ago and told me his contract at Microsoft had ended, and that they had laid off a third of his department. Hmm. Could this be the opportunity we've been looking for, the one we've been talking about? We had originally decided to stay in Seattle until after the wedding, then begin looking for jobs elsewhere; either back to Portland, or somewhere warmer like California or even Austin TX area. But as we all know, life doesn't always go according to plan. As of this moment, our plan is to move back to Portland, living with my brother and sister-in-law for two months so the current tenants of our old house, The Newell House, (which Kelly's mom still owns) have time to vacate, and we'll move back in there November 1. The prospect of living in our old house is very exciting. We'll have so much more space (I'll have my own office again!!!), get to have our garden again, and i can ride my bike all over the place! AND, we'll be paying about the same amount for rent. That's the plan anyway, but we'll just have to see how it all unfolds! Regardless, adventures await!

Sweetness

Several months have now passed since my last post, though there have been many times I've wished I could do nothing but sit and write. Honestly, I just haven't been able to articulate the processing of my feelings until now, and still this may not be the most cohesive post :) So many good things to talk about here as I sip my americano... I neglected to mention in my last entry that Kelly, my love of 8 years, proposed to me in Vancouver, BC last October. I said an enthusiastic Yes!, and it's been both fun and overwhelming planning our August 2013 wedding. I'm making a concerted effort not to worry how we're going to come up with the money to pay for it since neither of us had been saving for it, but trying to trust that our combined creativity will somehow help it come together. One of the best and most significant changes that has come with the new year is that I am no longer feeling like a slave to a job/jobs I hate, because I quit! I am now self-employed as a nanny to a fantastic family with 2 gorgeous little boys in my neighborhood. I knew that the 35+ minute commute (each way) that I've had since living in Seattle was draining me (aside from the other drawbacks mentioned in my last post) but I had no idea it would be so life changing not to have that every day. Seriously, I know it sounds stupid, and maybe not everyone is as sensitive to sitting in heavy traffic, blinding rain, horrible drivers-never-letting-you-in, and near-accidents every day...just to get to and from a job that's not fun, not paying a living wage, not right for you. Anyway. It's truly been so wonderful having less stress and more flexibility in my life, which is crucial for my health, and staying relatively symptom-free. I've been able to maintain my relationship with Clinique (a company I actually really like) via their Associate Consultant program, which allows me to be a visiting artist for them during special events. I get to do the fun part of the job, which is make clients happy by finding just the right regimen/look for them. I tell them my availability and they schedule me at Clinique counters all over the metro area. It pays well(no commission), and I don't have to deal with the drama of the counter or the retailer. It's about 20 hours a month, which is just the perfect amount of exposure to that environment for me! I've even had the opportunity to do a bit of design consulting on the side, which makes me happy. So. I'm feeling so much happier, and breathing a little easier financially too. Oh, did I forget to mention that Kelly works days now?! Yea, things are pretty dang good. I'm still not convinced that Seattle is the place for us long term, but now that I have more of my weekends free, and evenings with (or without, it's just nice to have an option) Kelly, I'm not feeling as isolated as I was. I find myself hopeful once again, and boy am I ever looking forward to a good (i.e. warm & long) summer!

Amid the bare, a branch holds a few.

I'm sitting in my old and lovely Seattle house, staring out the window at what's left of the gilded leaves on a tree next door. There are a few bright spots left. The bamboo closer in, seems to be thriving..green and standing strong. Yet another smaller tree, a Cherry, I think, is completely bare; fragile and spindly.


I can't help but relate these images to my own life, and the current state of my affairs. There have been some wonderful moments lately. There are many good things going on here. There have also been countless struggles and stress over my finances, and finding meaningful, living-wage work...again. 

This June, I left a soul-draining, but consistent and well-paying job. The demands of the position and the demands of the retailer were not a good fit at this stage in my life, and I foresaw the amount of energy and ass-kissing needed to gain a promotion I didn't really want.  
Anxious to be doing design work again, I jumped at the chance when I was offered a Design/Sales position with a well-known, mid-range furniture showroom.  My income coming primarily from commission, I knew it was huge risk, but felt confident I had the ideal background of sales and design work to make this a smart risk to take.

My fears were somewhat assuaged when, during my 2nd interview, I mentioned the annual income I needed to make to one of the owners. The owner assured me that if I was good at my job, I would have no problem bringing in that amount of money. I naively believed him. Out of the 6 months I've been with the company, and not for lack of initiative, I've had 1 decent month of sales. This 1 month was achieved by me working 60 hours a week, and 2 months worth of clients deciding to purchase in the same month. Even if that months high sales numbers (which were the highest in the entire company) were consistent, I'd still be bringing in way less than needed to cover my expenses (which are linked mainly to school, medical, and some credit card debt). The remainder 5 months have brought me an income that will qualify as poverty level. 

It's a bitter taste, this reality, and I'm only one of millions who are struggling to not sink. As much as this post is probably sounding depressed and self-pitying, I am not unaware of how lucky I am. It is highly unlikely that I will be put out on the street, or not have enough food to eat. I'm warm and dry in this cold, damp place, and my electricity and gas have not been shut off. I have this computer, I have an iPhone, dammit! For all intents and purposes, I look privileged (at least on the outside) and I am.


But because this is my blog, and I deem that I should be able to say what comes to my mind, I will. The worst part of right now is that I feel like I've lost my confidence, my passionate belief that I am a capable, competent, and highly creative person. I don't know how to get it back. When I look at pictures from even just 2 years ago, I see the excitement, the passion, the promise, in my eyes and my often exuberant smile. What I see now is a face, puffy from lack of inspiration, haggard and weary. A face that struggles to create a genuine smile, a smile without cynicism; a shy, self-conscious smile.


In all of this, I've been very lonely. As clichè as it is, I miss my friends and family. I feel disconnected geographically and emotionally, even from the few friends I have in Seattle. I've depended so heavily on Kelly this last year; I'm surprised he's still with me. 
Logically, I know it's counterproductive to romanticize moving back to Portland. Obviously, there was a reason we left in the first place; a saturation of creative-types and a stalled economy making it difficult for even the most qualified to find gainful employment.


It's weird. I've just realized this pattern of mine that probably everyone sees but me... anytime I'm away from Portland for any length of time, I feel a strong pull to be back there. Now, again. 
It happened as a child, as a teenager, and so on and so forth; I've moved back and forth from Portland so many times it takes a while to count..  

I miss living in the Newell house, our funny neighbors, the garden. Even with it's many imperfections, I imagined that would be mine and Kelly's family home. I miss riding my bike all over the city, meeting friends for happy-hour, brainstorming sessions, or a basement toaster-oven dinner. I miss family dinner nights.


A wise man told me recently to adjust my perspective, to try to appreciate the here and now. I've never been very good at that...always wanting more, more, more.

What I do know, is that I need to somehow climb out of this self-conscious, paralyzed state. I need to put forth the time and energy to find work that utilizes my talents and pays me enough to survive. 

"Things always work out", another thing this wise man told me. 

I want to believe him.

As if I have Duct Tape Over My Mouth...

There's so much that's happened in the last few months. I moved. Again. But just to the house next door. I went on an amazing trip to Ireland and Italy, and within a week of getting back, I got a new job.

Currently, I'm existing in the in-between stage...5 days off between old job and new job. It's weird; I feel weird. All i can think to write is: I have to believe I'll be able to write again, because right now, it's as if I have duct tape over my mouth, and my fingers are paralyzed.